"The body is of an unknown boy. Unfamiliar to the streets, nonentity to the world. He was about to begin his sixth-year next month. His body was intact, all limbs, appendages. He lay soaked, dressed in formal clothing. White dress shirt that clung to his frail torso, dark trousers, no shoes-toes crusted with dried blood, no doubt from walking shoeless in the streets and tunnels in search of food and shelter. His hair was combed flat exposing bald patches created by an army of lice. Arms across his chest he lies in stillness. He has a peaceful expression. His face is thin, cheek bones pronounced, skin stretched tight. Water beads on his blanched forehead; his stone blue lips peppered with grey paint. Exploded capillaries run like purple lightning bolts from his left eye, ending their journey collecting in an amethyst spider web on his left cheek." - WTBD pg. 45

Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) is characterized by a pattern of unpredictability in self-perception, affiliations, and feelings. One of the trademark characteristics of BPD is difficulty in maintaining unwavering and rewarding relationships. This not only affects the person with BPD, but it also distresses those who are close to them. I myself have been through scores of romantic relationships and as many platonic associations; all ending in disaster.
Here are some ways wherein BPD has impacted my past relationships:

1. Idealization and Devaluation: BPD sufferers tend to consider relationships in immoderations. They might originally worship someone, seeing them as perfect, but then gruffly shift to undervaluing them, viewing them as completely negative or even harmful. This "splitting" behavior can be very confusing and hurtful for the other person. I was always amazed when this took place. It was like an on/off switch. One day I adore you. The next I despise you.
2. Impulsive Behavior: Impulsivity is a common trait in BPD. This might manifest as impulsive decisions, risky behaviors, or sudden changes in plans, which can be stressful for partners who may find it hard to predict or keep up. My impulsive behaviors included drug abuse, drug dealing, cheating on girlfriends, fighting, and self-mutilation.
3. Intense and Unstable Relationships: I have had intense, rapidly shifting emotions, which did lead to volatile relationships. It was easy for me to become very close and attached to someone very quickly, but then become fearful of abandonment, leading to behaviors like clinging, jealousy, or possessiveness.
4. Fear of Abandonment: This is a core feature of BPD. I was extremely sensitive to perceived denunciation or abandonment, even if it's not intended. This fear can lead to attempts to avoid abandonment, which might manifest as clinginess or desperate attempts to keep the other person close. It can also force the person with BPD to cut ties early with a partner in an attempt to, “Break up with you before you break up with me.”
5. Emotional Instability: Fluctuations in mood and emotion can be very challenging for both the individual with BPD and their partners. It can be difficult to understand and respond to sudden, intense emotional shifts. Most people cannot “handle” a person with BPD. It takes a strong person, with a deep care and love for the person with BPD, to deal with the symptoms and work toward a future where the symptoms are not prominent.
6. Difficulty with Boundaries: People with BPD can struggle with establishing and maintaining appropriate boundaries in relationships. They might have difficulty respecting the personal space and autonomy of others. Also, we will not let our partners inside our world. We remain secretive and even lie about our lives to hide the truth. [Even if the truth isn’t terrible}
7. Self-Esteem Issues: Individuals with BPD often have a fragile sense of self-worth. This can lead to seeking excessive reassurance and endorsement from their partners, which can be emotionally draining for both parties. This also leads to promiscuous activities; in an attempt to find validation of self-worth and substantiation.
8. Communication Challenges: Expressing needs and emotions can be difficult for someone with BPD, leading to misunderstandings and conflicts in relationships. I have always held my tongue. I would bury my feelings, concerns, needs, etc. This would lead to arguments, accusations, and break ups.  

It's important to remember that while these challenges are common in relationships involving BPD, they are not insurmountable. With the right support, understanding, and therapeutic interventions, individuals with BPD can learn to manage their symptoms and have healthier, more stable relationships.
If you or someone you know is struggling with BPD, it's important to seek help from mental health professionals who are experienced in working with this condition. Therapy modalities like Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) have been found to be particularly effective in treating BPD.
 
~Will
 

Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) is a complex mental health condition characterized by difficulties with impulsive behaviors. One of these compulsion behaviors is self-injurious conducts, also known as self-harm or self-mutilation, are unfortunately common among individuals with BPD.
I’ve been engaging in self-injurious behaviors since I was a child. As a toddler I would beat myself on the head, bang my head against a wall, or scratch myself to the point of bleeding. This was due, in part, to my first sexually abusive encounter.

Me and my friend, Emmet, were playing on the corner of our street, 12th street, between 8th and 9th avenue, Brooklyn, 1973, we were both cresting on the age of 4 breaking into age 5. A man in a corner basement apartment beckoned Emmet and myself to come inside, with the potential boon of candy and toys. Emmet has full blown Autism; myself, I am diagnosed with Asperger’s (on the Autism Spectrum). Emmet went with the man. I was hesitant. I have always relied on feelings since I was a child. Sometimes relying on feeling doesn’t pay off, but this time I know I was right.  I felt apprehensive about going with this man. But my friend succumbed. I remember thinking, I have to get Emmet! So, I jumped into the basement apartment. From there…I draw a blank.
I’ve blocked this memory. Possibly too painful. I’m unsure of what happened to me or my friend Emmet. Chances are we  were both abused, and that’s why I’ve blocked this from my conscious memory. (I’m currently working on bringing this forward so I can work on it).
This unaddressed abuse can lead to self-abusive behaviors. These comportments include but are not limited to:

1. *Cutting: This involves using a sharp object to make cuts on one's own skin.

This is my go-to. I’m not a fan of burning or punching myself. So, slicing my skin open seemed to be the act that I was pretty good at, absorbing, and performing. My body currently looks like a road map.
My body is covered in scars from a lifetime of cutting.
I was once ashamed of these scars. But now I wear them like a badge of honor. I cannot say I will never cut, or self-injure ever again, but I will do my very best, every day, to avoid situations that could lead me to cut of self-injure.

1. Burning: This involves intentionally burning oneself with hot objects or substances.
2. Biting or Hitting: Some individuals might resort to biting themselves or hitting themselves against objects.

1. Scratching or Pinching: These actions can cause physical pain and distress.

Scratching is often an easy way to deal with anxiety (not recommended) while you are out in public with no access to tools.

1. Interfering with Wound Healing: This includes actions like picking at scabs or wounds, which can prolong the healing process. I do still pick scabs and my wounds, and they do take a while to heal due to my interference.

* A good alternative is “Tapping”. Instead of cutting or bruising yourself, just gently tap until the anxiety is gone.

It's important to note that self-injurious behaviors are not limited to these methods, and individuals with BPD may engage in other forms of self-harm as well.

Why Do People with BPD Engage in Self-Harming Behaviors?

1. Emotion Regulation: Individuals with BPD often struggle with intense, overwhelming emotions. Engaging in self-harm can provide temporary relief from these emotions.
2. Communication of Distress: Some individuals may find it difficult to express their emotional pain verbally. Self-harm can serve as a way to communicate this pain to others.
3. Regaining a Sense of Control: BPD is often characterized by feelings of powerlessness and lack of control. Self-harm can provide a temporary sense of control over one's body and emotions.
4. Punishment or Self-Penance: Some individuals may feel a need to punish themselves for perceived wrongdoings or for feeling like a burden to others.

I’ve always cut or self-injured because the act itself would make me feel better. Whether it was because I felt I was “punished” enough or if a good amount of good feeling hormones were released from my brain, either way there came a point where enough was enough.
Not to sound creepy but often the smell of my own blood would satisfy my cutting/self-injurious behaviors. Once a pungent scent was achieved, I knew I was done.
Often when I cut, I was drunk, so the last few cuts and moments were always a blur. I never remember the actions the day after. But I did have to deal with the injuries and blood clean up.
​
How to Support Someone with BPD and Self-Injuring Behaviors:

1. Encourage Professional Help: It's crucial that individuals struggling with BPD and self-harm seek professional help. Therapy, especially dialectical behavior therapy (DBT), has been shown to be effective for managing BPD.
2. Be Non-Judgmental: Avoid blaming or shaming the person for their behavior. Understand that self-harm is a coping mechanism, not a sign of weakness or attention-seeking.
3. Listen and Validate: Let the person know that you are there for them and that you acknowledge their pain. Validating their emotions can be incredibly powerful.
4. Help Develop Alternative Coping Strategies: Encourage the person to explore healthier ways to cope with their emotions. This could include activities like mindfulness, deep breathing exercises, journaling, or engaging in creative outlets.
5. Safety Plan: Work with the person and their mental health professional to create a safety plan for when they feel the urge to self-harm. This plan should include specific steps they can take to keep themselves safe.

You need a good support system to overcome this weight and shackles of self-abuse. Find someone who is in your corner and hold on to them!
Remember, supporting someone with BPD and self-injuring behaviors can be emotionally challenging. It's important to also seek support for yourself and consider involving mental health professionals if you're unsure how to best support the person.
If you have any questions or just want to chat, contact me. Do not hesitate.
 
~Will

Before we consider how emotions work in the person with BPD let’s understand the basic principles behind emotions.
Emotions are complex psychological and physiological states that influence how individuals perceive and respond to the world around them. They play a significant role in shaping our thoughts, behavior, and overall well-being. Here are some key aspects of emotions:
Types of Emotions:

• Basic Emotions: These are considered to be universal across cultures and include emotions like happiness, sadness, anger, fear, surprise, and disgust.
• Complex Emotions: These are combinations or variations of basic emotions. Examples include love, jealousy, guilt, and pride.

Physiological Response:

• Emotions are often accompanied by physical changes in the body. For example, when you experience fear, your heart rate may increase, and you may feel a surge of adrenaline.

Cognitive Component:

• Emotions involve a cognitive appraisal of a situation. This means that we interpret events and situations in a way that triggers an emotional response.

Expression:

• Emotions can be expressed through facial expressions, body language, tone of voice, and gestures. Different cultures may have varying norms for how emotions are expressed.

Subjective Experience:

• Emotions are subjective and can vary greatly from person to person. What elicits a strong emotional response in one individual may not have the same effect on another.

Functions of Emotions:

• Communication: Emotions can convey information to others about our internal state and needs.
• Motivation: They can drive behavior. For example, fear can motivate us to avoid danger, while joy can motivate us to seek out pleasurable experiences.
• Decision-Making: Emotions can influence the decisions we make. For instance, feeling angry might lead to a confrontational response, whereas feeling sad might lead to withdrawal.

Regulation of Emotions:

• People have varying levels of emotional regulation, which refers to the ability to manage and control one's emotions. This can be influenced by factors such as upbringing, personality traits, and life experiences.

Emotional Intelligence:

• This is the ability to recognize, understand, and manage one's own emotions, as well as the ability to recognize, understand, and influence the emotions of others. It is considered an important aspect of social and interpersonal skills.

Impact on Health:

• Emotions can have a profound impact on physical and mental health. Chronic stress, for example, can lead to a range of health problems.

Cultural Influences:

• Cultural norms and values can shape how emotions are expressed and interpreted. What is considered an appropriate emotional response can vary widely from one culture to another.

Now that we understand the basics of human emotions let’s delve into BPD emotions or as I refer to it as, "Concentrated Emotional Chaos".
Concentrated Emotional Chaos - This phrase evokes a powerful image of intense and overwhelming emotions that are tightly packed, quick moving, and/or hyper focused on a specific idea or experience, that spawn’s new irrational thoughts, and the cycle continues. It describes a state where feelings are particularly potent and difficult to process or contain. This is BPD emotions.
Imagine a scenario where someone is experiencing a whirlwind of emotions – from joy to sorrow, anger to love – all at once, with such intensity that it feels almost overwhelming. This could be due to a variety of factors, such as a significant life event, a sudden revelation, or BPD.
In literature or art, "Concentrated Emotional Chaos" could be depicted through vivid descriptions, chaotic imagery, or a burst of colors and shapes. It might be portrayed as a storm of conflicting feelings that swirl and collide, creating a sense of tumultuous beauty or destructive force. I have always described my thoughts and emotions as being similar to thousands of scribbled lines and circles engaging with one another in all colors with clouds and lightning thrown in the middle, topped off with never ending lurid tinnitus.

These highs and lows, mixed with bouts of extreme anger, are difficult on relationships. People with BPD will often lash out at loved ones, cursing and being violent. I am no exception. Most of my relationships, blood and otherwise, have been negatively affected by these emotional outbursts. Most of my associations, including members of my family, romantic interactions, and companionable friendships have all been destroyed due to my Concentrated Emotional Chaos and the baggage it tows.
This can lead to depression, anxiety, and seeking to “numb” with drugs or alcohol. I spent most of my adult life addicted to one substance or another, pain pills, heroin, cocaine, alcohol, etc. None of them brought long-term relief or a solution. In fact, consuming drugs and alcohol only complicated my BPD life, but once you’re addicted, nothing else matters but “getting right.”

 Someone experiencing Concentrated Emotional Chaos might be struggling with BPD and thrashing to find clarity or stability amidst a flood of feelings. This often makes people with BPD seem selfish or narcissistic. But in reality, the concentrated emotional chaos is so intense the outside world gets blocked and all we see, hear, think, and feel are the BPD emotions hitting us all at once. This is no doubt a challenging experience, but it is also a potentially transformative experience, as it often accompanies moments of deep introspection and growth.

Facing the flood of emotions and dealing with them one by one is no easy task. It is difficult and frustrating at times. But the reward outweighs the effort. Once you have dealt with these emotions and irrational thoughts, you feel stronger, empowered. In return you are more motivated to fix all the issues that come up. This leads to increased confidence and peace of mind.

Ultimately, "Concentrated Emotional Chaos" is a vivid phrase that encapsulates the intensity of BPD emotion and the complex interplay of feelings that can shape our lives in profound ways. In healing we learn to recognize and acknowledge the emotions without allowing them to control our lives. It takes great effort and consistent work to learn how to deal with the Concentrated Emotional Chaos, but it can be done.
​
~Will
 

​Overview
I have suffered with Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) since I can recall. It has held me back from reaching goals, achieving success, having healthy relationships, and living a happy, fulfilling life. BPD has negatively affected every single aspect of my life. This partly due to many misdiagnoses and wrong, harmful medication that i was prescribed. But through perseverance, proper diagnoses, therapy, and hard work, I am beginning to recover, heal and learn how to live life. 

This is the first of a series of blog posts, first informing then recounting particular events, discussing how BPD damaged my life but also how I learned to overcome my symptoms and live a “normal” life. We will begin with getting to know BPD and all its glorious side effects.
Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) is a complex mental health condition that affects millions of individuals worldwide. It is characterized by a pattern of self-abuse, drug/alcohol abuse, unstable relationships, poor self-image, and unstable emotions, often leading to impulsive behaviors and difficulty in regulating emotions. Which can lead to legal trouble. While those with BPD can lead fulfilling lives with proper treatment and support, it's crucial to acknowledge the negative side effects that can impact both individuals and their loved ones. Knowing the negatives leads to dealing with and overcoming these undesirable symptoms.

1. Intense Emotional Turmoil

One of the most challenging aspects of BPD is the rollercoaster of emotions experienced by individuals. Extreme highs can quickly turn into devastating lows, making it difficult to maintain stable relationships and a consistent sense of self. This emotional instability can lead to feelings of emptiness, depression, and anxiety. The feeling of emptiness can lead to substance abuse. It’s an easy escape, but not long term. These symptoms can last for days, weeks, months, and years.

1. Impulsive Behaviors

Individuals with BPD may engage in impulsive behaviors such as substance abuse, being promiscuous, reckless driving, self-harm, or binge eating. These actions often serve as a coping mechanism to deal with overwhelming emotions. Unfortunately, these impulsive acts can have severe consequences on physical health, relationships, and overall well-being. Impulsive behaviors can bring with them trouble within the legal system. Being arrested and doing time is common among people with BPD; I am no exception.

1. Unstable Relationships

Maintaining healthy relationships can be a significant challenge for individuals with BPD. The fear of abandonment and an unstable sense of self can lead to intense and stormy relationships. This instability may result in a pattern of intense, short-lived friendships and romantic relationships, creating a sense of isolation and loneliness. Isolation leads to depression and anxiety which leads to more isolation; the cycle seems never-ending.

1. Difficulty in Self-Identity

Establishing a stable sense of self can be elusive for those with BPD. They may struggle with understanding who they are, what they want, and what their long-term goals are. This internal turmoil can lead to confusion, frustration, and a sense of emptiness. Often people with BPD assume many different "identities" throughout their lives, trying to cope and fit in with their peers. But this leads to confusion with who they really are and what they want out of life.

1. Self-Harm and Suicidal Ideation

Individuals with BPD are at a higher risk for self-harming behaviors, suicidal ideation, and suicide attempts. The intense emotional pain they experience can become overwhelming, and they may resort to self-harm as a way to cope. It is crucial to seek professional help if you or someone you know is struggling with these thoughts. If you or a loved one is contemplating or threatening suicide, take it seriously and seek help immediately. I used to self-injure often, since I was 14. It was a coping mechanism. It brought relief when the symptoms of BPD got too strong. My body is covered in scars from a life of self-injuring and countless suicide attempts. I was once ashamed of them and would do my best to hide them. Now I wear them like badges of courage!

1. Difficulty in Occupational Functioning

Maintaining steady employment can be challenging for individuals with BPD due to the emotional instability and impulsive behaviors associated with the disorder. They may struggle with consistent performance, conflicts with coworkers, or difficulty in managing stress, which can lead to difficulties in the workplace. I have had dozens of jobs in my life, due to BPD. It’s difficult to operate in the “real world” while suffering from BPD. We feel out of place, self-conscious, and frightened.

1. Co-occurring Disorders

BPD often co-occurs with other mental health conditions such as depression, anxiety, and substance abuse disorders. These comorbidities can complicate diagnosis and treatment, making it essential for individuals to receive comprehensive care that addresses all their unique needs. I was misdiagnosed my entire life. I just recently received a proper diagnosis of BPD. I went through every possible diagnosis and medication trying to ease my troubled mind. But abusing drugs and alcohol complicated the diagnosing process. These co-occurring disorders can be more harmful when combined with BPD. This can cripple a person mentally, leading to days of feeling lost and halting life progress. 

Conclusion
While Borderline Personality Disorder can present significant challenges, it's important to remember that with proper treatment and support, individuals with BPD can lead fulfilling lives. Therapy, exercise, proper diet, possible medication, and a strong support network can make a tremendous difference in managing the negative side effects associated with BPD. By increasing awareness and understanding, we can work towards a more compassionate and inclusive society for those living with this condition. If you or someone you know is struggling with BPD, seeking professional help is the first step towards a brighter, more stable future.
If you would like to talk to someone who has experience with BPD, please contact me and let me show you how a change in lifestyle (exercise and diet) can help tremendously with BPD and its symptoms.

Next: Part II - Concentrated Emotional Chaos


~Will
 

​Mindfulness – I’ve Heard it All Before
                Describing something ad nauseum will surely exhaust its credibility. It may even blend into the mobbed, congested network of our over-stimulated lives; thus, its crucial and precious lesson goes unlearned, unpracticed. Such is the case with Mindfulness. Everywhere you turn someone is talking about mindfulness, even me, right now! But I’m going to tell you the real deal about mindfulness. It’s not complicated.
                When we think of mindfulness we invoke images of Yogi’s levitating, eyes drawn back so only the whites are visible, chanting harmoniously, ohm…ohm…ohm. This is not so. Mindfulness means being present at a precise moment. It is when all your consideration is focused on what you are doing, feeling, saying, enjoying, and being. Mindfulness can be freeing and inspire growth!
Forced to Face
Mindfulness can also be classified as Attention. And attention leads to Control and Balance. We all want control and balance in our lives. It all starts with mindfulness. Mindfulness leads to an altruistic life. You cannot hide from yourself whilst existing in attendance with your thoughts. Being present influences you to evaluate and scrutinize your life; it forces you to face any deficiencies. After that only two things can happen. You can disregard what needs to be changed or fixed in your life or take control and resolve any issues that have become apparent. Thus, growth is inevitable with mindfulness. But, it doesn’t come easy. Consistency is the key!
Practice Makes…Pretty Good
Mindfulness is a skill. It takes time to master like any other ability worth learning. You will never be perfect at being present; there is always room to grow. But you can master it until it becomes second nature. Epictetus was a Stoic philosopher who came to be known in the early second century C.E. He lived first in Rome as a student, and then as a teacher with his own school in Nicopolis, Greece. Epictetus explains in his writing how important it is to practice mindfulness. He told his students once they have let their attention lapse, it is very difficult to recover it, “Do you not realize that when once you have let your mind go wandering, it is no longer in your power to recall it, to bring it back to what is right, to self-respect, to moderation?” We must not allow “life” to influence us and take us away from mindfulness. Being mindful is being in control. Regularity in practice is essential but don’t think school ends any time soon. You’re here for the long haul!
You’re Going to Be Here a While
It is a war not just a battle. Take your time. Making our way through this life is difficult. It starts with our first breath and ends with our last. We are thrown into this world innocent, clueless; immediately we search to make sense of our surroundings. We continue this our entire lives. Epictetus proposed, “It’s a lifelong series of subtle readjustments of our character. We fine-tune our thoughts, words, and deeds in a progressively wholesome direction. When you actively engage in gradually refining yourself, you retreat from your lazy ways of covering yourself or making excuses.” When we are actively engaged in our lives, we are being mindful. And when we are mindful, we have no choice but to grow.
Getting Started
                Try this exercise. You can use a raisin or any other small edible like, nuts, berries, grapes, etc. For this exercise I will use a raisin.
First, take a raisin and hold it in the palm of your hand or between your finger and thumb. Squeeze it gently. Take note of the texture.
Next, Take time to really focus on it; gaze at the raisin with full attention—imagine that you are from another planet and have never seen anything like this before. Reconnoiter every part of it, examining the highlights where the light shines, the darker caverns, the folds and crests, and any unique features. Now, Close your eyes and turn the raisin over between your fingers, squeeze gently.
Take a whiff! Hold the raisin beneath your nose. Inhale. Envelop your nose with the aroma and fragrance. Take note of what may be happening with other senses. Notice your tongue.
Now slowly bring the raisin up to your mouth. Delicately press it to your lips. Feel the texture on your lips. Softly place the raisin in your mouth; do not chew it! Spend a few minutes focusing on the raisin in your mouth. Explore it with your tongue. You should begin to taste it. Try to pick out the sweet and tart sensations. Then, after a few minutes take one bite. Let it continue to roll around your mouth. Notice what exactly happened. How did it split? Did it squish? How big are the remaining pieces?  Continue to chew noticing all the changes.
When you are ready to swallow the raisin, first detect the intent to swallow. Experience the pre-swallow activity, an increase in saliva. Be very conscious as you swallow the raisin. Follow it down until you cannot feel it any longer.
You can apply this same technique to anything in life. Riding a bike, exercising, eating a meal, making love (being mindful during love making increases the pleasure tenfold!), or any other activity in life. One of the best ways to be mindful is to just sit with your thoughts. Don’t try to deflect, deny, or ignore them. Engage with your thoughts. Yes, this can be scary-at first. But after a while it is most assuredly freeing. Be one with yourself. Be good to yourself.
 
~Will

My definition of addiction is doing something which negatively influences you and your loved ones, yet you continue on into deeper addiction. But what is addiction? Is it really in our control?

Addiction has been and is looked down upon. Often it is seen as a morality issue when that is so far from reality. it's not due to a lack in a person’s character or even their willpower. In its place, we have discovered a multifaceted array of psychological, biological, and social factors that can prompt someone to addictions. It could be buried or recent trauma, family history, abuse, neglect, etc.

Some say addiction involves choice. They are correct. I know this sound harsh to some and may hit a nerve. But the reality is before someone becomes addicted, they made a choice, a decision to witness, consume, and/or engage in actions that brought some sort of pleasure, relief, or escape. But with continuation, soon the “Choice” is replaced with “Need”. Rapidly they become a slave to what they once chose.

I know from what I speak. I am an addict. I have been addicted to many things in my lifetime, sugar, junk food, sex, cigarettes, violence, cocaine, heroin, pain pills, and alcohol. That’s right. At one time all these substances coursed through my veins simultaneously, while I acted upon others. At one point in my life, I was addicted to not eating. I was anorexic. Yep, a male anorexic. More common than you think. I was so addicted to not eating to the point my hair began to fall out and my teeth became weak. Addiction in one form or another had ruled my life. But that was then. This is now. I am clean and sober today and in the best shape of my life. It wasn’t easy. Being free from addiction takes courage, strength, hard work, and support. 

The first step is recognizing that there is a problem. Admitting that you are addicted brings with it a sense of strength. It is easy to deny, deflect, delude while fighting addiction. But it takes great resolve and strength to admit and acknowledge the fight for your life.

Next find support wherever that might be. A friend, partner, coworker, therapist, support group, etc. Whatever it may be-get it! Most of the hard work must come from within but a support system is crucial in being free.

Thirdly I would like to suggest “Radical Acceptance”. This is a practice I used/still use to becoming unstuck. Often there are things in our past that haunts us, holds us down, keeps us from moving forward, and will ultimately come out in a negative way. We have to take a 3rd person view of the situation. Instead of viewing the memory from your original perspective, view it as a 3rd party. Take no judgement either way [this will take some time] just observe. When you are finished viewing realize there is nothing that can be done to change the past. Accept that the situation doesn’t define you. Accept that you are more than being a slave to this ancient memory. Accept that you deserve to move on. Tell yourself that you have nothing to feel guilty or bad about. The only thing you can do now is start heling, move forward, and grow.
Radical Acceptance was the first step I took to being free from addiction. There is much more involved, and it is an ongoing fight. But it does get easier as time goes on. And soon you feel like a warrior who has won a great battle.

Follow me for more info and insights.   ~Will 

Will is available to speak to you and your group regarding this topic and others. Feel free to send an email to discuss how Will can help you.

Toxic Masculinity [TM] is one of the many apprehensions I am dedicated to understanding, realizing, dissecting, and destroying. Toxic Masculinity [TM] is a poison to men and to the women who have to suffer the consequences of these men. The following is just the beginning to this matter. You’ll soon realize the precariousness of this cancer.
Growing up good male role models were few and far between. Emotional connections were intentionally kept disengaged in my family. Men didn’t cry. Hell, boys didn’t cry. I recall my six-year-old self-seeking emotional comfort after falling and scraping my knees. I was expecting a hug and some reassurance my little knees would be okay. Instead, I received, “are you bleeding?” The answer was, “no, I’m not bleeding”. His response, eyes never turn my way, “Then stop crying and go wash it off.” I did what I was told. The entire time, still crying, I could feel hate and anger grow in my little heart. Emotions a six-year-old shouldn’t be feeling. That was just one ingredient in the noxious recipe of Toxic Masculinity [TM] that shaped my teenage and adult life.
This topic is momentous in my life and I’m on quest to end TM. This focus is important to me because it caused me to live a life that was not mine. I was a different person-putting up masks and shields to keep up a persona that was literally killing me. Men are killing other men and men are killing themselves due to TM. A study from JAMA Psychiatry found that, “In the United States, men die by suicide at 3.5 times the rate of women. One driver of this gender disparity is high traditional masculinity (HTM), [HTM=TM] a set of norms that includes competitiveness, emotional restriction, and aggression. Quantitative studies of HTM are interrelated with discourse on hegemonic masculinity. Using norm- and trait-based measures, HTM men were found to have higher suicidal ideation.”[i]
Some of the seeds of Toxic Masculinity.

• A man should suffer physical and emotional pain in silence.
• A man shouldn’t seek warmth, comfort, or tenderness.
• A man should only have the emotions of bravery and anger.
• A man shouldn’t depend on anyone. Asking for help is also weak.
• A man should always want to win, whether in sports, work, relationships, or sex.
• A man’s penis size commands his level of manliness.
• A man should never cry.
• A man should never show fear.
• A man doesn’t care about fashion or looking good.
• A man eats meat. Never salad.
• A man owns and uses a gun.
• A man doesn’t hug or show affection to another man.
• A man loves and lives by sports.

At 52, I just recently began to accept the true man that I am. And my definition doesn’t involve any of the bullet points above. My motivation is to free men from the chains and shackles of TM and release the man that has been buried deep down. Next, we will visit some attributes that DO dictate what/who a man may be.


[i] https://jamanetwork.com/journals/jamapsychiatry/article-abstract/2760513