​Overview
I have suffered with Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) since I can recall. It has held me back from reaching goals, achieving success, having healthy relationships, and living a happy, fulfilling life. BPD has negatively affected every single aspect of my life. This partly due to many misdiagnoses and wrong, harmful medication that i was prescribed. But through perseverance, proper diagnoses, therapy, and hard work, I am beginning to recover, heal and learn how to live life. 

This is the first of a series of blog posts, first informing then recounting particular events, discussing how BPD damaged my life but also how I learned to overcome my symptoms and live a “normal” life. We will begin with getting to know BPD and all its glorious side effects.
Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) is a complex mental health condition that affects millions of individuals worldwide. It is characterized by a pattern of self-abuse, drug/alcohol abuse, unstable relationships, poor self-image, and unstable emotions, often leading to impulsive behaviors and difficulty in regulating emotions. Which can lead to legal trouble. While those with BPD can lead fulfilling lives with proper treatment and support, it's crucial to acknowledge the negative side effects that can impact both individuals and their loved ones. Knowing the negatives leads to dealing with and overcoming these undesirable symptoms.

1. Intense Emotional Turmoil

One of the most challenging aspects of BPD is the rollercoaster of emotions experienced by individuals. Extreme highs can quickly turn into devastating lows, making it difficult to maintain stable relationships and a consistent sense of self. This emotional instability can lead to feelings of emptiness, depression, and anxiety. The feeling of emptiness can lead to substance abuse. It’s an easy escape, but not long term. These symptoms can last for days, weeks, months, and years.

1. Impulsive Behaviors

Individuals with BPD may engage in impulsive behaviors such as substance abuse, being promiscuous, reckless driving, self-harm, or binge eating. These actions often serve as a coping mechanism to deal with overwhelming emotions. Unfortunately, these impulsive acts can have severe consequences on physical health, relationships, and overall well-being. Impulsive behaviors can bring with them trouble within the legal system. Being arrested and doing time is common among people with BPD; I am no exception.

1. Unstable Relationships

Maintaining healthy relationships can be a significant challenge for individuals with BPD. The fear of abandonment and an unstable sense of self can lead to intense and stormy relationships. This instability may result in a pattern of intense, short-lived friendships and romantic relationships, creating a sense of isolation and loneliness. Isolation leads to depression and anxiety which leads to more isolation; the cycle seems never-ending.

1. Difficulty in Self-Identity

Establishing a stable sense of self can be elusive for those with BPD. They may struggle with understanding who they are, what they want, and what their long-term goals are. This internal turmoil can lead to confusion, frustration, and a sense of emptiness. Often people with BPD assume many different "identities" throughout their lives, trying to cope and fit in with their peers. But this leads to confusion with who they really are and what they want out of life.

1. Self-Harm and Suicidal Ideation

Individuals with BPD are at a higher risk for self-harming behaviors, suicidal ideation, and suicide attempts. The intense emotional pain they experience can become overwhelming, and they may resort to self-harm as a way to cope. It is crucial to seek professional help if you or someone you know is struggling with these thoughts. If you or a loved one is contemplating or threatening suicide, take it seriously and seek help immediately. I used to self-injure often, since I was 14. It was a coping mechanism. It brought relief when the symptoms of BPD got too strong. My body is covered in scars from a life of self-injuring and countless suicide attempts. I was once ashamed of them and would do my best to hide them. Now I wear them like badges of courage!

1. Difficulty in Occupational Functioning

Maintaining steady employment can be challenging for individuals with BPD due to the emotional instability and impulsive behaviors associated with the disorder. They may struggle with consistent performance, conflicts with coworkers, or difficulty in managing stress, which can lead to difficulties in the workplace. I have had dozens of jobs in my life, due to BPD. It’s difficult to operate in the “real world” while suffering from BPD. We feel out of place, self-conscious, and frightened.

1. Co-occurring Disorders

BPD often co-occurs with other mental health conditions such as depression, anxiety, and substance abuse disorders. These comorbidities can complicate diagnosis and treatment, making it essential for individuals to receive comprehensive care that addresses all their unique needs. I was misdiagnosed my entire life. I just recently received a proper diagnosis of BPD. I went through every possible diagnosis and medication trying to ease my troubled mind. But abusing drugs and alcohol complicated the diagnosing process. These co-occurring disorders can be more harmful when combined with BPD. This can cripple a person mentally, leading to days of feeling lost and halting life progress. 

Conclusion
While Borderline Personality Disorder can present significant challenges, it's important to remember that with proper treatment and support, individuals with BPD can lead fulfilling lives. Therapy, exercise, proper diet, possible medication, and a strong support network can make a tremendous difference in managing the negative side effects associated with BPD. By increasing awareness and understanding, we can work towards a more compassionate and inclusive society for those living with this condition. If you or someone you know is struggling with BPD, seeking professional help is the first step towards a brighter, more stable future.
If you would like to talk to someone who has experience with BPD, please contact me and let me show you how a change in lifestyle (exercise and diet) can help tremendously with BPD and its symptoms.

Next: Part II - Concentrated Emotional Chaos


~Will
 

​Mindfulness – I’ve Heard it All Before
                Describing something ad nauseum will surely exhaust its credibility. It may even blend into the mobbed, congested network of our over-stimulated lives; thus, its crucial and precious lesson goes unlearned, unpracticed. Such is the case with Mindfulness. Everywhere you turn someone is talking about mindfulness, even me, right now! But I’m going to tell you the real deal about mindfulness. It’s not complicated.
                When we think of mindfulness we invoke images of Yogi’s levitating, eyes drawn back so only the whites are visible, chanting harmoniously, ohm…ohm…ohm. This is not so. Mindfulness means being present at a precise moment. It is when all your consideration is focused on what you are doing, feeling, saying, enjoying, and being. Mindfulness can be freeing and inspire growth!
Forced to Face
Mindfulness can also be classified as Attention. And attention leads to Control and Balance. We all want control and balance in our lives. It all starts with mindfulness. Mindfulness leads to an altruistic life. You cannot hide from yourself whilst existing in attendance with your thoughts. Being present influences you to evaluate and scrutinize your life; it forces you to face any deficiencies. After that only two things can happen. You can disregard what needs to be changed or fixed in your life or take control and resolve any issues that have become apparent. Thus, growth is inevitable with mindfulness. But, it doesn’t come easy. Consistency is the key!
Practice Makes…Pretty Good
Mindfulness is a skill. It takes time to master like any other ability worth learning. You will never be perfect at being present; there is always room to grow. But you can master it until it becomes second nature. Epictetus was a Stoic philosopher who came to be known in the early second century C.E. He lived first in Rome as a student, and then as a teacher with his own school in Nicopolis, Greece. Epictetus explains in his writing how important it is to practice mindfulness. He told his students once they have let their attention lapse, it is very difficult to recover it, “Do you not realize that when once you have let your mind go wandering, it is no longer in your power to recall it, to bring it back to what is right, to self-respect, to moderation?” We must not allow “life” to influence us and take us away from mindfulness. Being mindful is being in control. Regularity in practice is essential but don’t think school ends any time soon. You’re here for the long haul!
You’re Going to Be Here a While
It is a war not just a battle. Take your time. Making our way through this life is difficult. It starts with our first breath and ends with our last. We are thrown into this world innocent, clueless; immediately we search to make sense of our surroundings. We continue this our entire lives. Epictetus proposed, “It’s a lifelong series of subtle readjustments of our character. We fine-tune our thoughts, words, and deeds in a progressively wholesome direction. When you actively engage in gradually refining yourself, you retreat from your lazy ways of covering yourself or making excuses.” When we are actively engaged in our lives, we are being mindful. And when we are mindful, we have no choice but to grow.
Getting Started
                Try this exercise. You can use a raisin or any other small edible like, nuts, berries, grapes, etc. For this exercise I will use a raisin.
First, take a raisin and hold it in the palm of your hand or between your finger and thumb. Squeeze it gently. Take note of the texture.
Next, Take time to really focus on it; gaze at the raisin with full attention—imagine that you are from another planet and have never seen anything like this before. Reconnoiter every part of it, examining the highlights where the light shines, the darker caverns, the folds and crests, and any unique features. Now, Close your eyes and turn the raisin over between your fingers, squeeze gently.
Take a whiff! Hold the raisin beneath your nose. Inhale. Envelop your nose with the aroma and fragrance. Take note of what may be happening with other senses. Notice your tongue.
Now slowly bring the raisin up to your mouth. Delicately press it to your lips. Feel the texture on your lips. Softly place the raisin in your mouth; do not chew it! Spend a few minutes focusing on the raisin in your mouth. Explore it with your tongue. You should begin to taste it. Try to pick out the sweet and tart sensations. Then, after a few minutes take one bite. Let it continue to roll around your mouth. Notice what exactly happened. How did it split? Did it squish? How big are the remaining pieces?  Continue to chew noticing all the changes.
When you are ready to swallow the raisin, first detect the intent to swallow. Experience the pre-swallow activity, an increase in saliva. Be very conscious as you swallow the raisin. Follow it down until you cannot feel it any longer.
You can apply this same technique to anything in life. Riding a bike, exercising, eating a meal, making love (being mindful during love making increases the pleasure tenfold!), or any other activity in life. One of the best ways to be mindful is to just sit with your thoughts. Don’t try to deflect, deny, or ignore them. Engage with your thoughts. Yes, this can be scary-at first. But after a while it is most assuredly freeing. Be one with yourself. Be good to yourself.
 
~Will

My definition of addiction is doing something which negatively influences you and your loved ones, yet you continue on into deeper addiction. But what is addiction? Is it really in our control?

Addiction has been and is looked down upon. Often it is seen as a morality issue when that is so far from reality. it's not due to a lack in a person’s character or even their willpower. In its place, we have discovered a multifaceted array of psychological, biological, and social factors that can prompt someone to addictions. It could be buried or recent trauma, family history, abuse, neglect, etc.

Some say addiction involves choice. They are correct. I know this sound harsh to some and may hit a nerve. But the reality is before someone becomes addicted, they made a choice, a decision to witness, consume, and/or engage in actions that brought some sort of pleasure, relief, or escape. But with continuation, soon the “Choice” is replaced with “Need”. Rapidly they become a slave to what they once chose.

I know from what I speak. I am an addict. I have been addicted to many things in my lifetime, sugar, junk food, sex, cigarettes, violence, cocaine, heroin, pain pills, and alcohol. That’s right. At one time all these substances coursed through my veins simultaneously, while I acted upon others. At one point in my life, I was addicted to not eating. I was anorexic. Yep, a male anorexic. More common than you think. I was so addicted to not eating to the point my hair began to fall out and my teeth became weak. Addiction in one form or another had ruled my life. But that was then. This is now. I am clean and sober today and in the best shape of my life. It wasn’t easy. Being free from addiction takes courage, strength, hard work, and support. 

The first step is recognizing that there is a problem. Admitting that you are addicted brings with it a sense of strength. It is easy to deny, deflect, delude while fighting addiction. But it takes great resolve and strength to admit and acknowledge the fight for your life.

Next find support wherever that might be. A friend, partner, coworker, therapist, support group, etc. Whatever it may be-get it! Most of the hard work must come from within but a support system is crucial in being free.

Thirdly I would like to suggest “Radical Acceptance”. This is a practice I used/still use to becoming unstuck. Often there are things in our past that haunts us, holds us down, keeps us from moving forward, and will ultimately come out in a negative way. We have to take a 3rd person view of the situation. Instead of viewing the memory from your original perspective, view it as a 3rd party. Take no judgement either way [this will take some time] just observe. When you are finished viewing realize there is nothing that can be done to change the past. Accept that the situation doesn’t define you. Accept that you are more than being a slave to this ancient memory. Accept that you deserve to move on. Tell yourself that you have nothing to feel guilty or bad about. The only thing you can do now is start heling, move forward, and grow.
Radical Acceptance was the first step I took to being free from addiction. There is much more involved, and it is an ongoing fight. But it does get easier as time goes on. And soon you feel like a warrior who has won a great battle.

Follow me for more info and insights.   ~Will 

Will is available to speak to you and your group regarding this topic and others. Feel free to send an email to discuss how Will can help you.

Toxic Masculinity [TM] is one of the many apprehensions I am dedicated to understanding, realizing, dissecting, and destroying. Toxic Masculinity [TM] is a poison to men and to the women who have to suffer the consequences of these men. The following is just the beginning to this matter. You’ll soon realize the precariousness of this cancer.
Growing up good male role models were few and far between. Emotional connections were intentionally kept disengaged in my family. Men didn’t cry. Hell, boys didn’t cry. I recall my six-year-old self-seeking emotional comfort after falling and scraping my knees. I was expecting a hug and some reassurance my little knees would be okay. Instead, I received, “are you bleeding?” The answer was, “no, I’m not bleeding”. His response, eyes never turn my way, “Then stop crying and go wash it off.” I did what I was told. The entire time, still crying, I could feel hate and anger grow in my little heart. Emotions a six-year-old shouldn’t be feeling. That was just one ingredient in the noxious recipe of Toxic Masculinity [TM] that shaped my teenage and adult life.
This topic is momentous in my life and I’m on quest to end TM. This focus is important to me because it caused me to live a life that was not mine. I was a different person-putting up masks and shields to keep up a persona that was literally killing me. Men are killing other men and men are killing themselves due to TM. A study from JAMA Psychiatry found that, “In the United States, men die by suicide at 3.5 times the rate of women. One driver of this gender disparity is high traditional masculinity (HTM), [HTM=TM] a set of norms that includes competitiveness, emotional restriction, and aggression. Quantitative studies of HTM are interrelated with discourse on hegemonic masculinity. Using norm- and trait-based measures, HTM men were found to have higher suicidal ideation.”[i]
Some of the seeds of Toxic Masculinity.

• A man should suffer physical and emotional pain in silence.
• A man shouldn’t seek warmth, comfort, or tenderness.
• A man should only have the emotions of bravery and anger.
• A man shouldn’t depend on anyone. Asking for help is also weak.
• A man should always want to win, whether in sports, work, relationships, or sex.
• A man’s penis size commands his level of manliness.
• A man should never cry.
• A man should never show fear.
• A man doesn’t care about fashion or looking good.
• A man eats meat. Never salad.
• A man owns and uses a gun.
• A man doesn’t hug or show affection to another man.
• A man loves and lives by sports.

At 52, I just recently began to accept the true man that I am. And my definition doesn’t involve any of the bullet points above. My motivation is to free men from the chains and shackles of TM and release the man that has been buried deep down. Next, we will visit some attributes that DO dictate what/who a man may be.


[i] https://jamanetwork.com/journals/jamapsychiatry/article-abstract/2760513

​Do this daily. If you can only do it for 5 minutes at a time, then do it! Get some time in each day. Just work your way up until you are ready to face and destroy [it]. When you feel ready to deal with it-be consistent no matter the highs and lows and soon you will be Victorious over the Fear. Now you are officially a Bad Ass!
 
         I would love to work with you on this. Start a dialogue below and let witness the greatest change you will ever make in your life!
 
 
           In my next Blog we will confront Doubt. Sign up for my newsletter and get it as soon as its published!

         
       Financial decimation and reduction in the city’s police force were the causes of 1970’s New York becoming one of the most violent, impoverished, impecunious and mournful cities of the 20th century.     Amid all of this I was placed into this world unknowing of my environment.  I grew up poverty stricken. Electricity and gas were a blessing. Many days the apartment was dark and lacking sound.  I had to grow up fast. The city demanded it. If a person didn’t grow up quick and learn how to deal with and navigate the streets, they would fall victim.                   

   
​      At age eight I was the “bag boy” for drug dealers. I would pick up a brown bag from one location and bring it to another.  I would also sit on a stoop with a bag full of nickel and dime bags of various drugs. A customer would approach the dealer, across the street from where I sat, and hand him the money. The dealer would then signal to me as to what and how much I would distribute. I loved this because it made me feel accepted by the streets. My desire to know and experience more of this environment got me caught up in some dicey situations.

​                                 My desire and never-ending curiosity led me to explore the city. This caused me to end up in scary circumstances. Once a friend and I were lured into a basement apartment with the promise of money and sexually molested by a man. This wasn’t my only experience with sexual abuse. A family friend had his turn and five teenage girls had their way with my 8-year-old body. I never spoke of these horrendous events – feeling guilt ridden.
                                        What follows is a life of drug addiction, violence, abuse, prostitution, incarceration, self-mutilation, sexual promiscuity and countless suicide attempts. This life became my destiny. I was not going to live past the age of 35.

                                  The addiction, violence, abuse, prostitution, incarceration, cutting, sexual promiscuity and suicide attempts made me what I am today. I GOT ANGRY!! - Angry at what my life had become – what my life was going to be. I got angry at myself for wasting what I knew was talent, charm, intelligence and creativity within me. I channeled this anger and changed my life for the better.

                                  Through this I discovered my calling. My calling is to help as many people who suffer as I have . Help them to find their way; their way back to who they truly are. My desire is my calling. I desire to save as many of my brothers and sisters as I can.
                                  If I don’t embrace my calling; if I sit by and let others suffer; if I retreat into the life I once lived, then all my suffering, sadness and pain of my past will all be for nothing.

 
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